A while back when I was changing the font for my headers, I noticed it looked rather crummy in Google Chrome. The headers were ragged looking. I thought it was the font and I was desperately searching to find ways to fix this issue. Then I decided to open my website in firefox and internet explorer (I know, right? Who uses that shit anymore?) and I noticed that my font looked perfectly fine. After doing much more extensive google searching, I realized that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this issue. Apparently, this particular issue has something to do with some bugs. I really do enjoy google chrome but when things start looking crappy, I have to draw the line. I started visiting other websites and noticing that the fonts were looking pretty crummy in Chrome also. Talk about disappointment. Right now I’m using Firefox, which I have long abandoned, and it is a bit laggy compared to Chrome. I had to ask myself is the temporary usage really worth it just because a couple of fonts look like shit? Eh, I guess it depends on the day. But as someone who enjoys making things look nice & smooth on websites, I realized just how much this annoyed me. I use google chrome to search and do other things, but when I visit websites I’m forced to utilize Firefox, just to get the whole experience. Sounds weird? I know it does but I cannot help it.
I’m so frustrated. Have you ever felt like nothing was going your way at the moment? That’s how I feel. It’s a strange thing when you feel like you’ve done nothing but worked hard to accomplish particular goals and nothing goes the way you’ve planned, intended or wanted. I’ve had nothing but patience, nonetheless. Although some days I may feel this way or feel a little discouraged, it doesn’t slow me down. Not even the lack of hope can keep me from pushing forward.
I’ve always maintained that no matter what, I would keep pushing forward because quitting is not an option for me, no matter how frustrated I am. There isn’t a quitting bone in my body. If one way doesn’t work to achieve a specific goal, I’ll try another way. If that doesn’t work I’ll keep trying different ways until I get there. Sometimes it takes a while to set things on the right track. I pout, I get angry, I get cranky but eventually I’m right back at it. Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of failures and over time I grew increasingly crabby and anxious to make adjustments to correct those failures. I’d make personal threats that I’d give up when I got really angry but my soul just wasn’t allowing it to happen.
This is why, even with all of the obstacles in my life, I’ve managed to consistently make things work. Maybe I’m not rich, maybe I don’t always have the time or money to buy things for myself or do what I want to, but I make it & not by a thread either. I don’t have any ridiculous spending habits and I have pretty good money management. After all, I don’t really have much of a choice. If I’ve ever had to choose between needs and wants, needs win every time. I know that I’m made to do great things and even though it’s taking practically forever, the frustration will be well worth the effort. I can say that I tried.
I had to break myself out of the habit of saying things like “I’m [insert age at the time here], my life is passing me by.” While for some people, they might really feel that way, I really don’t though. I think it’s just some type of defense tactic belonging to my brain to keep me going. I’d become impatient & relying heavily on time and it started to hinder me from doing certain things because I was giving myself crazy deadlines. I ended up making mistakes and it ultimately had some negative effects.
On a different note, I’ve been working at my job for quite a while, 5 years to be exact. I need a change of scenery. The environment can be stifling and uncomfortable. I also feel like the “higher-ups” don’t really care for their employees. It’s very unorganized too. I think that if a couple of adjustments were made, it could be a lot better and productive overall. We’ve had individual meetings with our department manager in which some of us have voiced our concerns and hope that we’ve been heard.
This is where I die a little every day:
I have been asking myself for a long time what the true definition of “friend” is. I have trouble making friends and not because I’m socially awkward or anything like that but there are a couple of reasons why this is so:
- Dynamic: Overall, people tend to expect a lot from friends and I’m far from a selfish person but I’ve always had a lot on my plate. I simply cannot handle needy ass people. I can’t handle the expectations that being a friend come with. I have close friends who understand that my life is busy. They also understand that when I’m not tending to home & family, I like to spend lots of time to myself. It’s peaceful to me. I’m really not the going out type and I’m also not a person who can sit on a phone for hours. I prefer my friendship experiences to be raw. I’m an up close and personal kind of friend.
- Loyalty & Trust: I’m a loyal ass person so why is it so hard for me to find the same type of people? I’m always running into backstabbing, gossipy people that I simply cannot trust. I have some really close friends that I can confide in but it’s sometimes not the same because they’re males. I’m not sure if anyone can understand that but its nothing like having some good old fashioned girlfriends that you can talk to about your problems and tell secrets to. The problem I’m having is that I always seem to find people who can’t be trusted and are not reliable. That kind of ties into my first problem. How could I ever feel 100% committed to any friendship if I can’t even express myself the way I feel I should be able to?
- Similarities: It all boils down to the fact that most of the time I don’t have much in common with the people that I encounter. They don’t understand my life or me as a person, period. That leads to a shaky friendship which could ultimately be a failure in the end.
- Drama: I absolutely hate drama and I hate when people are the cause of it, especially when they’re old enough to know better. I can’t be anyone’s friend if they’re constantly in some type of mess because I’m a humble person. I don’t like being in messes that I really don’t have to be in. I have quite a temper. I don’t want to sit around and argue. I’m going to want to throw fists and I avoid this at all costs because it’s unbecoming of any woman my age.
Friendships are necessary and I believe connecting with people is important. I don’t know how any one person can go through life without any connections. It’s just that sometimes finding these connections can be difficult when it comes to trust and loyalty.