I have been such a terrible blogger. I have been really busy and going through some family things. It’s a lot to deal with, especially when everyone in your family looks to you for comfort and support. I’m the family’s backbone and no matter how much I say I’m going to shake that “obligation”, it’s not that easy to do when you have such a small family & you know that without you holding things together the little bit of family that you have will crumble.

It’s stressful because it’s not just about the things we go through, but sometimes I feel like my family doesn’t appreciate the fact that I’m always there for them. Sometimes I don’t even think they realize how much I have done and sacrificed for them. I feel like they’re ungrateful at times and it can be such a fucked up feeling when everyone literally calls me when they need my help and support. It’s almost like they develop amnesia when it’s all said and done.

Lately, though, I have been a little more confident about my own journeys in life because I have to face the fact that I’m going to be 29 very soon and I don’t want to look back on my life & realize I didn’t live enough and that all I did was constantly be there for other people while ignoring my own life, wants and needs. I’m learning to be more selfish and trying so hard not to allow anyone to make me feel bad about it because the people in my life do have a habit of making me feel that way.

I also have to stop allowing their moods to mess up mine. It’s already bad enough I’m constantly sticking my neck out for them but then on stress free days when I’m actually feeling great and tending to ME, someone always manages to make shit about themselves and it ruins my mood and when my mood is ruined it can last all day. That’s just how I’m wired.

I’m going to get where I want to be one day. Stress & obligation free.

A while back when I was changing the font for my headers, I noticed it looked rather crummy in Google Chrome. The headers were ragged looking. I thought it was the font and I was desperately searching to find ways to fix this issue. Then I decided to open my website in firefox and internet explorer (I know, right? Who uses that shit anymore?) and I noticed that my font looked perfectly fine. After doing much more extensive google searching, I realized that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this issue. Apparently, this particular issue has something to do with some bugs. I really do enjoy google chrome but when things start looking crappy, I have to draw the line. I started visiting other websites and noticing that the fonts were looking pretty crummy in Chrome also. Talk about disappointment. Right now I’m using Firefox, which I have long abandoned, and it is a bit laggy compared to Chrome. I had to ask myself is the temporary usage really worth it just because a couple of fonts look like shit? Eh, I guess it depends on the day. But as someone who enjoys making things look nice & smooth on websites, I realized just how much this annoyed me. I use google chrome to search and do other things, but when I visit websites I’m forced to utilize Firefox, just to get the whole experience. Sounds weird? I know it does but I cannot help it.

I’m so frustrated. Have you ever felt like nothing was going your way at the moment? That’s how I feel. It’s a strange thing when you feel like you’ve done nothing but worked hard to accomplish particular goals and nothing goes the way you’ve planned, intended or wanted. I’ve had nothing but patience, nonetheless. Although some days I may feel this way or feel a little discouraged, it doesn’t slow me down. Not even the lack of hope can keep me from pushing forward.

I’ve always maintained that no matter what, I would keep pushing forward because quitting is not an option for me, no matter how frustrated I am. There isn’t a quitting bone in my body. If one way doesn’t work to achieve a specific goal, I’ll try another way. If that doesn’t work I’ll keep trying different ways until I get there. Sometimes it takes a while to set things on the right track. I pout, I get angry, I get cranky but eventually I’m right back at it. Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of failures and over time I grew increasingly crabby and anxious to make adjustments to correct those failures. I’d make personal threats that I’d give up when I got really angry but my soul just wasn’t allowing it to happen.

This is why, even with all of the obstacles in my life, I’ve managed to consistently make things work. Maybe I’m not rich, maybe I don’t always have the time or money to buy things for myself or do what I want to, but I make it & not by a thread either. I don’t have any ridiculous spending habits and I have pretty good money management. After all, I don’t really have much of a choice. If I’ve ever had to choose between needs and wants, needs win every time. I know that I’m made to do great things and even though it’s taking practically forever, the frustration will be well worth the effort. I can say that I tried.

I had to break myself out of the habit of saying things like “I’m [insert age at the time here], my life is passing me by.” While for some people, they might really feel that way, I really don’t though. I think it’s just some type of defense tactic belonging to my brain to keep me going. I’d become impatient & relying heavily on time and it started to hinder me from doing certain things because I was giving myself crazy deadlines. I ended up making mistakes and it ultimately had some negative effects.

On a different note, I’ve been working at my job for quite a while, 5 years to be exact. I need a change of scenery. The environment can be stifling and uncomfortable. I also feel like the “higher-ups” don’t really care for their employees. It’s very unorganized too. I think that if a couple of adjustments were made, it could be a lot better and productive overall. We’ve had individual meetings with our department manager in which some of us have voiced our concerns and hope that we’ve been heard.

This is where I die a little every day:

Work Desk

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