I’m always seemingly neglecting my blog now and it’s not that I don’t have anything to talk about. I start up these posts and I’m usually not in my wordpress admin when I do it. Why am I such a tard? I have these thoughts or I want to talk about something and so I just open up notepad and type away. Then like an idiot, I forget to save it or paste it into my wordpress drafts. It’s a habit that I need to shake. Blogging use to be so important to me. It was an outlet and now I’m finding myself making mini updates on facebook when I have so much more to say and I feel like it should be geared toward those who visit my personal blog. I can relate to bloggers so much more than facebook friends.
Nothing has been going on with me, apart from the fact that I actually failed to mention that I moved. Away from the drama I was going through. I’m still adjusting, though. I’m certainly not use to it just being my children and I. I was always around family and/or taking people into my home that I had no business helping. It was chaotic and stressful. Now that the weight of everyone else’s problems have been lifted off my shoulder, I’ve found more than a little bit of peace. I go to bed at reasonable times more often than before. My tension headaches have completely stopped. I still have some pretty rough nights to be honest, though. I’ve had a really really tough life, with nothing but bad things happening back to back. I’ve been hurt a lot by people. I’ve been in a horrible car accident. I have no parents. Right now, I’m estranged from my family because of the burdens they hung on my shoulders. And some things are just too painful and private to even mention. I’m willing to admit that I have no idea what to do when it comes to normalcy. I sit up sometimes at night thinking, way too much. Wondering if I’ve done the right things. I know I have to let go but it’s hard when you’re only use to a certain way of being.
I’m trying and I’m trying hard. I wouldn’t say that I’m completely lost, but I’m most certainly moving along in the dark with my arms stretched out. I was forced to grow up way too young. And it wasn’t just when my mother died, it was long before that because she made some bad choices and as the eldest, I was second in command, helping her with my sisters. I don’t know how to thoroughly enjoy holidays, they don’t excite me. I never had the chance to be excited because of the responsibilities I had. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me abnormal. I try my best for my kids during these times because I want them to have what I didn’t. All I’ve ever known is taking care of people and not really enjoying life much myself. And it’s so easy for people to give me advice on how to let go and move on, but what they don’t realize is it’s hard to let go and move on especially when you’ve never really had a taste of what anything outside of that feels like.
The one thing that I do have, is spirit, even despite everything. I think that’s what keeps me moving forward, even if it’s at a slow pace. I’m just glad that I bailed out before I lost that spirit. Some people will never know that inside this girl they see and know, lies a story far more tragic than they could have imagined.